VII: Moral Hate Circus

I: Moral Hate Circus  II: Moral Hate Circus  III: Moral Hate Circus  IV: Moral Hate Circus
V: Moral Hate Circus  VI: Moral Hate Circus

 

Nothing.

Nothing!

Caelan’s voice remains steady but I hear screaming and his mouth is not open enough and his accent is gone and I cannot understand. It is not my screaming I know it is not my screaming this is not my voice I taste no blood I hear nothing I understand nothing I comprehend nothing I hear the voice and I hear it Loud I look around at Ema but she is not screaming I look around at Ira but he is not screaming I hear it Loud and I look at Caelan and he is not screaming and I look at me and I am not screaming but still I hear it Loud.

My sweat is salty and I taste it and I know I am not screaming and I know I am not crying and I know I am trying to hear Caelan but he is not screaming.

I wish he would scream because then I would know I am hearing him but I cannot hear him I just hear the scream loud and loud and Loud.

There is nothing screaming no one screaming Ira and Ema and Caelan don’t react they cannot hear the screaming why can I hear the screaming I am not screaming they don’t react they don’t move they don’t help why can’t they hear the screaming why can’t they hear it Loud why cant they hear the pain why cant they feel what I feel why cant they see what i see i am the screamer and i hear screaming i am not screaming it is not me

I see the girl.

With red hair.

Twirling.

Her hair following her.

Like a child.

Or a lover.

I see her.

Spinning.

In front of my eyes.

Blocking out Caelan.

And she is screaming it is her she is screaming and I hear her she is screaming and I must stop her screaming because it hurts and it is too Loud and I must stop her before she breaks me but I can’t I don’t know where she is she left I wish I could find her I wish I had spoken to Ira to tell him I wanted her because then I would know that it is her screaming and I could stop her and I could not break and I could silence her once and for all I could make her quiet I could soothe her I must have her near me stop screaming it is too Loud stop screaming it doesn’t suit you let the only Loud thing about you be your hair why must you scream why must you hurt me why must you I helped you I need you to stop to be quiet to shut up why must you keep being Loud.

I move and I feel myself moving.

I move fast.

I move past Ema.

I move past Ira.

I move past Caelan.

I move everywhere and nowhere all at once.

I move over the earth and it crumbles beneath me.

I look at Caelan, Ira and Ema all at once.

I look at nothing also.

I can hear all and see all and hear nothing and hear nothing.

I feel my soul wrench.

Ira’s hand on mine.

I have moved.

I am getting away.

I shake him off and it feels like I am moving underwater.

I try to move, legs through water.

I breathe and it is cold.

I move past the tent fabric into the cold air where it is cold inside me too.

I must find her.

She is screaming and I hear it in my head and I must stop her from screaming.

I must soothe her.

My hands raise in front of me and I grope for where I remember she once was.

She stood there.

I grab onto nothing but I feel her.

And I follow the feeling of her.

And my hands get colder.

And my breath gets colder.

And my steps get shorter.

The floor meets me.

My face to the grass and I begin crawling. I must find her.

One hand in front of the other. One knee in front of the other.

One hand.

One knee.

One hand.

One knee.

One hand.

One knee.

Past the portaloo.

She has been here I feel her.

One hand.

One knee.

One hand.

One knee.

I focus on the ground beneath me as my vision slips into blurred shapes. I must not fall here. I have not found her yet.

I search for orange on the landscape but the darkness hides any colour and it is all dark greens.

I hear my name called from behind me, they must not catch me and pull me away.

One hand one knee one hand one knee one hand one knee one hand one knee.

One hand one knee one hand one knee one hand one knee one hand one knee.

One hand one knee one hand one knee one hand one knee one hand one knee.

You won’t touch me.

You won’t catch me.

I am faster than you.

You should give up.

You know you should give up.

Give up.

Don’t follow me.

Don’t find me.

Don’t catch me.

Give up.

Don’t look for me.

Give up.

Give up.

Stop following me.

Stop hurting me.

Stop stopping me.

Give up!

Leave me!

One hand!

One knee!

Crawl, Screamer, crawl, crawl away, Screamer, crawl away, run away, Screamer, run away run run run run run run

Run to the girl with the red hair I see her now I see her Screamer run I run I am running Screamer runs I run I see her and I run I stop crawling and I get up and I run and Screamer saw her Screamer got up and Screamer ran I run I begin running I feel my hands wet with mud and I run and my knees hurt and I start running and Screamer falls again.

I get up again because I have to get to her let me get to her.

She is still screaming and I hear it.

I cannot shout to her to tell her I’m coming I cannot do anything apart from run.

Soothe you.

I will soothe you.

Come here.

Come to me.

Let me help you.

Let me help you stop screaming!

 

VIII: Moral Hate Circus  IX: Moral Hate Circus  X: Moral Hate Circus (Final)

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