IX: Moral Hate Circus

I: Moral Hate Circus  II: Moral Hate Circus  III: Moral Hate Circus  IV: Moral Hate Circus
V: Moral Hate Circus  VI: Moral Hate Circus  VII: Moral Hate Circus  VIII: Moral Hate Circus

 

But I can’t always be here.

My enemies crunching towards me show me that.

I won’t always be here.

So I must find a way of stopping you from screaming in the future.

I press down harder on your jaw and your throat makes noises again and your breath is hot and words struggle to come out and are drowned under the gluey blood of your own throat and it is on my fingers again and stop screaming I told you I will be here with you to stop you screaming and you will never scream again.

My enemies are steps away and I must stop you now.

I push harder and my jaw clenches and my hands too and my fingers covered in your saliva curl onto your tongue but I have grip and I push until I feel the hinge again.

The hinge feels like steel and moves slowly but so do my enemies and so do the leaves and the sounds are minimal and so is the breeze.

I have all the time I want.

I move slowly all the same so I don’t hurt you all I want to do is stop you from screaming for future you must not scream again because I cannot be there.

Your jaw is wider and this is what I want even though your screams are louder now.

I push harder until I hear cracking and I can’t tell if that’s my enemies’ feet or your jaw so I push again and it is your jaw I hear the hinge splintering and I see blood again.

And I smile because blood means my work is good.

I push harder.

Your teeth puncture the skin of my hand but I don’t dare stop.

I push harder.

The cracking resonates up my arm.

I push harder.

Your screams turn to rasps and gasps and your eyes flitter closed and finally your jaw gives way and the skin pulls around it and it snaps and tears and I push your jaw into your chest.

It hits your chest and you spasm but go still.

I pull at your jaw. Now loose from your mouth. Skin holds it on but the skin is ripped by bone and force and I can pull at it and your gums are red and raw and bleeding.

Your tongue quivers and lolls.

My enemies are making more noise than you.

I know you can still make noise. But you are silent now.

I let your jaw go.

My hands are wet now. Your jaw made them this way.

Your jaw is held by skin to you and it pulls back and I let it go.

It slips from my hand and from the blood.

And I look at the moon in the blue sky and I know my enemies are here but it is okay because I did what I had to do.

Soothe you. I did soothe you.

You must be glad now I have. You make no noise. You lie there quiet.

I touch you with my red hand and I can’t tell if you are moving.

I turn my eyes to my enemies just as the brown one grabs my arm. The red one grabs my wrist.

I get to my feet and they pull me far from you and I look back and the yellow one is by your side but not touching you and not moving you. They leave you where I left you.

Maybe they are not my enemies.

My eyes are dimming like yours did. They close. My ears stay awake and guide me and tell me where I am.

My feet tell me we are in the main tent and the red and brown enemies throw me down suddenly and I land on wood. My eyes open again and it is wood.

I am on the stage.

I look round at my enemies and they are standing there and I hear them shouting at me, but they sound a long way off and their figures are still.

Arms folded and glaring at me.

I look away and down off the stage and suddenly there is you.

Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

It is you, a thousand times of you sitting there with your red and brown hair and your green eyes and your jaw hanging down on your chest and your teeth are bleeding and they are staining your skin because you are naked and your skin is white like the moon but smooth and I don’t know how you are there but I know I have soothed you because you are quiet all of you each one of you is quiet all of you are quiet none of you is making a sound not one of you is making a sound none of you are moving all of you are still all of you are silent all of you are looking at me and I hear the red and the brown enemies yelling at me but they are drowned out by your silent stares all your stares and I look into all your eyes at once and I want to tell you that you are welcome that you’re welcome that I’m glad I can help you but your eyes are sad.

Did I not help you?

Are you lying in a forest bleeding?

Didn’t I help you?

I made you stop screaming.

I made your hair red again.

I tasted your tears.

Did I not help you?

-Why would there be tears? Your eyes say, all your eyes. –Why would there be tears if we were happy?

Why would there be?

-Why would there be tears if we were helped?

I don’t know.

-Do you truly believe you helped us?

Us? Are there more of you? I helped you. Not us, not we, not all of you. There was one of you. I helped you.

But you look at me, all of your eyes below look at me as I lie there on my knees in front of you and your eyes are sad. –You didn’t help us.

I helped you.

-You didn’t help us.

I stopped you from screaming.

-You didn’t help us.

You’re not screaming anymore.

-We cannot scream anymore. And your jaws pump blood fast and all of you, like a wave, double over and you stay there for a while and all I can do is watch and know that you are sad.

I wait for ages until, one by one, you sit up again, all straight-backed in the chairs below me, all of you lit by the light of the moon, made much lighter than I am on the stage. I can see that you are crying, all your eyes are crying, and all the tears I taste in my mouth until I have to spit.

I gag and there is salt and you carry on crying and I spit again and the tears come out of my mouth and out of my nose and out of my eyes. I spit and I spit your tears.

-We cannot scream anymore! And you say this loudly so I have to look up.

The tears are louder than you and I only just hear you.

Flowing down my throat like a waterfall as I fall on my back.

-We cannot scream anymore!

I thought you were happy.

-We are not happy.

I thought you were happy. You won’t listen to me.

-You won’t listen to us. You are angry now, all of your eyes are covered by your brows. –Would we have to scream more if you had listened to our first scream?

I listened to it and I followed it to find you and I had to make you stop screaming because I had to help you.

-You didn’t listen to our first scream. You listened too much to the echo of our first scream so you didn’t let it go. Why would I scream anyway?

You weren’t happy and that is why you screamed.

-I wasn’t happy?

You screamed.

-You scream.

I am The Screamer. The. I scream. It’s cool.

-You scream. You are The Screamer.

I am The Screamer.

-Why would I scream?

Because you are not happy.

-Why do you scream?

I am The Screamer.

-Do you scream because you are not happy?

I am The Screamer. I scream.

-Maybe I don’t scream because I am unhappy.

You weren’t happy.

-Maybe I wasn’t happy or unhappy. Maybe I just screamed. I only screamed once before you found me.

I look round at you now and instead of seeing a hundred eyes I see only two glaring out at me from up near the opening of the tent looking down on me scolding me more than the enemies ever could and I know that I should listen to you.

-Why would I scream? Maybe I scream like you scream. I scream because I scream because I was made to scream.

Who is made to scream?

-You are The Screamer.

I am made to scream.

-Why shouldn’t I be made to scream too?

I don’t know.

-Maybe I am. Maybe I just screamed because I just screamed.

So you weren’t unhappy?

-No. You didn’t listen to my scream. You listened to the echo and you didn’t let it go and that is why you came for me because you thought my scream was louder and you thought I was unhappy.

I thought you were unhappy.

-No.

Where are the others gone?

-The others?

The others of you who were looking at me. Where did the us go?

-Us is not me and me and me. Us is me and you because we are the same.

No one is the same as me.

-I scream. Do you scream?

Yes.

-Why do you scream?

I am The Screamer.

-But why do you scream?

Because. I. Am. The. Screamer.

-But why do you scream?

You are stuck on a loop, each time I say I am The Screamer you ask the question again so I have to think of another answer and it is hard because I don’t know why I scream. And all of a sudden I hate you. Why do you ask so many questions? I thought I had made you quiet.

-Why do you scream?

I refuse to answer you and looking into your eyes your green eyes that are like mine I can’t do it anymore. I tremble as fury darts through me through my veins and out of my skin in a mist and a sweat.

-Why do you scream?

And I scream for you, just for you, not for the enemies who still stand there, not for the moon who lights up the doorway and not for me either. I scream my loudest and my longest and I repeat and I scream again and I show you just what The Screamer can do and The Screamer rolls onto his front and The Screamer screams at the floor and The Screamer finds your eyes and The Screamer stares into them and The Screamer knows that they are not your eyes but his eyes and The Screamer is screaming for a different reason now because The Screamer is not screaming for you, The Screamer is not screaming for the enemies who still stand there, The Screamer is not screaming for the moon who lights up the doorway and The Screamer is not screaming for him because The Screamer is screaming because he is scared and The Screamer doesn’t remember being scared before and The Screamer doesn’t remember fear before and The Screamer is afraid of fear and afraid of what it might bring but The Screamer has to face the fear he sees and The Screamer sees the fear when he looks towards the moonlight-lit doorway and The Screamer sees you and The Screamer knows that you are fear.

He is scared of you.

Because he hates you.

Because you hate him.

 

X: Moral Hate Circus (Final)

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