X: Moral Hate Circus (Final)

I: Moral Hate Circus  II: Moral Hate Circus  III: Moral Hate Circus  IV: Moral Hate Circus
V: Moral Hate Circus  VI: Moral Hate Circus  VII: Moral Hate Circus  VIII: Moral Hate Circus
IX: Moral Hate Circus


The Screamer is on his feet and he has never felt so strong before and The Screamer takes a step off the stage light he is weightless and The Screamer goes towards you and The Screamer takes your jaw in his hands and The Screamer pulls it right off and The Screamer puts it between his teeth as he grabs your tongue and The Screamer feels the muscle move in his fingers and The Screamer loathes you and The Screamer pulls your tongue and The Screamer digs his nails in and bites onto your jaw as he pulls your tongue and The Screamer pushes your head back and The Screamer feels the ripping of your muscle and The Screamer ignores your screams because you are not The Screamer and The Screamer screams louder than you so you know that The Screamer is The Screamer and you are not The Screamer and no one else is The Screamer because he is The Screamer and there is no other like him only The Screamer and The Screamer still has your tongue and it is hard to pull but The Screamer doesn’t give up and The Screamer carries on pulling and The Screamer succeeds and it rips from your throat, bringing a scattering of blood that lands on the dark ground of the tent, staining the hard soil forever, which is added to by you falling to your knees and choking on blood, unable to close your mouth because you have no jaw and unable to keep the blood in because you have no tongue, and you look up at him, and he can see that your throat is exposed from where the skin of your jaw was ripped off as he pulled off your jaw so he goes for that, discarding your tongue on the ground where it lands in an expanding crimson pool, gripping around your windpipe, continuously screaming and never letting you go no matter how hard you struggle because he wants you quiet because he hates you, and why he hates you is obvious but the reasoning is too far from your comprehension because of the pain he is inflicting upon you with his hand inside your throat, unprotected by your lower jaw which is still between his teeth, your teeth still attached to it, your blood dripping from the dying tissue, and suddenly your eyes are jerked upwards as he yanks on your windpipe, ripping through it like a bear, damaging your vocal chords so that you can only manage hoarse grunts of agony, which you do constantly because you cannot get away, and his hand suddenly plunges deeper, abandoning the half-ripped windpipe and he grips something in the back of your neck, jagged fingers like the claws of a tiger slicing through the meat of you, and he shakes you so hard you lose consciousness for a few seconds as your brain smashes against the inside of your head, and in that time you see sparks, and hear the scolding of his enemies and you wonder why you don’t run away, so when you wake up and your eyes adjust and your brain registers the pain again you try to pull yourself together even though he is slowly destroying your body from the top down, and he is already on your chest which he is scratching at desperately with his claws, eyes crazed and dripping blood from your jaw between his teeth, and you try and push him off like he did to you but he grabs your arm but, instead of slamming it to the floor he raises it to his mouth and bites, letting your jawbone fall onto your sliced chest, and you feel his teeth sharp inside your wrist, slitting through blood vessels and letting warm, soupy blood flow down your arm and his arms are on yours and then, before your eyes, you see him give your arm another bend as he snaps your ulna and radius, and you see just before the pain hits that he is tearing at your arm and trying to rip it off, but as your head shoots back and your destroyed vocal chords force out a harsh loud shriek of pain you feel the shattered and snapped bones of your arm ripping through the flesh and slitting open the skin but you can still feel his teeth there, tearing and ripping at the meat as though eating it, and lapping at the blood as he howls his triumph because he is killing you and you know he is killing you, so you try to get away again but he forces you to the ground and you have only moved an inch but he can see your panic so he slams down your useless arm and returns to your chest, raking down your breasts and underneath them with his nails and eventually getting through the skin to the tissue which he rips out and, with his hands within both breasts, he begins tearing at your skin, across your body, down your abdomen, and over your muscles and through your pubis and over your legs and it feels like a stuttering electric shock as he peels away your flesh in lumps, still biting and snorting at it, and his lips are red, as red as your hair which is still ripped away from your skull, scalp attached and leaking more than blood but now he is at your stomach and pulling at the flesh and scratching through the muscles to get to the tender intestines below and he is drooling and his teeth are white and flash at you and his eyes are wild and his hand slots into your abdomen and pulls and your viscera coats him once again and your head shoots back again as a pain reflex and your legs kick out and he smacks his fist into you, breaking your nose again and blood flows over the only teeth left in your head, sending shocks down you bringing your whole body to a contorting agony that rips through you and tears you apart, rupturing you, and you hear him scream one last time, a gurgling, crimson scream, wet and raw with your innards that splits your head in two, and then finally, finally, whiteness, and a peace, and the screaming is gone, and the vermilion stains are gone, and your jaw is gone, but so is the rest of your body, and you don’t have to feel pain anymore because here you know you are safe, secure, and warm, and a white space welcomes you, and lets you fall into it, and you leave behind the world you thought you were safe in, a world where you walked daily, a world where you used your talent to entertain others, a world where you screamed, and a world you unquestionably, undoubtedly hated, with no reasons, because the world had not hurt you, the world had let you walk it, but you knew there was more, and this is the more you found, to be ripped and torn and ruptured by another world-walker, a world-walker who saw you spinning because before that you weren’t there, hadn’t existed, only appeared because he had made it so, because he had put you there, because he was in charge of you, because he could take your life away just as soon as he gave it to you, because you were under his control, because you were his delusion, because you were his hallucination, because you were him, his inside voice, his unassuming conscience, his hidden lies, which is why he heard you, which is why he saw you, which is why you mattered to him, mattered enough for him to feel for you, and even if that feeling was a deep, burning hatred, he still felt for you, because you mattered to him because you affected him, just by being something imagined come to life, you mattered to him, just by screaming one time, because his gift had been passed down to his hallucination, and he hated you enough to put an end to your life, to stop every artery from pumping, to obliterate every recognisable feature and all because of his hatred of you, which stemmed from his fear of you.

He was scared of you.

His own hallucination.


Scared of his own hallucination, delusion, vision.

Why was he scared?

Why should he have been scared?

What was he?

Who was he?

He imagined you, you existed only because of his mind, and yet he was scared of you?

How was he scared of you?

Is he scared of himself?



It’s like he’s afraid of his own shadow.

He makes a shadow.

His mind conjures a delusion.

A girl turning in tight circles with her hair twirling after her like a child.

Or a lover.

And he is scared.

He is frightened.

He made the hallucination go away.

That won’t stop him or his fear.

It will multiply it.

He knows what he thinks he’s capable of now.


He thought you were real.

Nothing about you was real.

Not your hair.

Not your eyes.

Not your skin.

Not your arm.

Not your muscles.

Not your teeth.

Not your tongue.

Not your jaw.

He went after you to soothe you because he was frightened because you, a creation of his own mind, was screaming. His own mind was screaming.

He attacked his own mind’s creation. He attacked his own being.

He killed his own mind’s creation.

He is one step closer to killing himself.

Or several steps.

Or more than a several.


He doesn’t matter anymore.

Nothing about him matters.

Nothing about what happened matters.

All that matters is now.

He will kill himself soon.

There is nothing to be done anymore.

You never existed and you cease to now.

You simply have to lie here in this white space and wait.

For what, that is not clear.

Just wait.

Lie here.

And wait.


I’m sure whatever’s coming won’t take long to get here.

Lie down.


No, here.

You cannot lie there.

That’s too close.

You can’t pretend you’re real.

Lie here, so you know you never existed.

In the white.

Lie here.

Lie down.


In the white.

Face the white.

It will soon turn to black.

But you will be long gone before then.

You see how the white has turned greyer?

Of course you don’t.

You don’t see anything.

You don’t have eyes to see it with.

Just lie here.

You can’t lie down, can you?

You have no body to lie.

Then just stay.



Or pretend you have a body and lie.

Lie down and lie to yourself that you exist.

You don’t exist.

You never did.

And when he kills himself you will have existed even less than now.

Don’t you see?

You’re not real.

You were never real.

And you will never be real.

And look now.

Here it comes.

Over there.

Just behind you, over there.

Turn around.

You’ll want to see this.

It’ll take you on.

You’ll need to see this.

Turn around.

It’s coming.

The white is less white now, not that you care.

You won’t see this place dark.

You’ll be gone by then.


Here it comes.

Say goodbye.

What do you remember?

Do you remember your hair colour?

What was it?

Red? Orange?


No it wasn’t.

Because you never had hair.

You never existed.

You never had hair just the same as you never had a child.

Or a lover.

You never existed.

You never had hair.

You never had a hair colour.


Do you remember your hair colour?

What was it?

That’s right.


You’re getting it.

Do you remember your eye colour?

What was it?

That’s right.

You are getting there.

You didn’t have an eye colour because you didn’t have eyes.

What about where you went to?

Where did you go?

Did you like it?


No you didn’t go anywhere.

A circus?

No, of course not.

Maybe you’re not getting there.

You didn’t go anywhere because you had no body to take you there.

You never existed.


Where did you go?

Did you like it?




You can’t like something you didn’t see.

You just have the white now.

There are colours here.

But you can’t see them because you don’t exist.

You see?

No hair colour.

No eye colour.

No tent colour.

Just a white, an endless white.

That slowly will fade to black but you’ll be long gone.

Don’t worry about that.

The white is good.

Get taken away in the white.

Now, look again.

Over just behind you.

It’s a little closer now.

Just slightly.

But it’s speeding up.

Don’t be afraid when it arrives here.

It doesn’t hurt.

Just stay in the white, however you chose to do it, and let yourself be taken away.

It will be just as easy as falling asleep.


What was your hair colour?


Nothing. You never had hair, therefore you never had a hair colour.

You are so much better now.

You understand now.

What was your eye colour?


No eye colour.

The same reasons.

And where did you go?



To you, there was never any circus. Never any acts.

For you, you had nothing. No chaos.

No crowds.

No portaloos.

You never went there either.

You didn’t go to the circus did you?

You went nowhere.

You stayed out of the uncertain world.

But where will you go?

No, this time you will go somewhere.

Just behind you, slightly closer now.

Even more slightly closer.

Almost right behind you.

Now it’s right behind you.

It’s stopped.

Are you in the white?

Then look behind you.

Just behind you.

Turn slowly.

If it sees you move suddenly it might run away.

Don’t worry if you feel breathing on your neck.

It’s not unfriendly.

Nor is it friendly.

But it will take you on.

This time, you are going somewhere.


Turn slowly.


Look behind you.

Just behind you.

Turn slowly.

Do you see it?

It sees you.

What do you feel?


What do you feel?

No, don’t you remember?

You don’t feel.

You don’t exist.

You don’t have to.

This is the only real thing.

Do you see it?

Can you touch it?

Are you trying?

Do you remember that you have no hands because you don’t exist?

You don’t exist.

You have nothing.

All you have to do is stay in the white until you feel ready to go.

You seem ready.

You seem very ready.

You seem accepting.

Quiet now, don’t spook it.

Are you ready to go with it?

You’ll go on.

Away from this place.

Away from the colours you can’t see.

Away from the empty whiteness forever.

Are you ready to go?

Then go.

Fall away.

Fall backwards.

If you can.

Once you fall, you won’t remember anything.

Nothing you have experienced will have happened.

But you should be aware that none of that happened already.

We have been through this.

But this place, the white, the memories, all should go.

You will be restored to serene calmness and bliss once again.

Are you ready?

Serene calmness.



Are you ready?

Then go.

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