II: Suicide Room
A series of memorable cases from the Suicide Room. All information included in these documents is shown only for the purpose of exposing the weakness of the human mind. Together, with the right technology and purpose, we can overcome these weaknesses and create barriers to stop the impulses taking over. Together, we can create superhumans, immune to persuasion, obedience and oppression. But we can only do this with subjects willing to submit themselves to the Suicide Room. Through failure we will succeed. Through death we will live. Through the weakness of others we will strengthen ourselves.
–Case File R3,0223, Review–
-Review Type: Pressuriser
-Review eligible for public viewing. All information contained within this document has been recorded for the purposes of employment and redistribution. All information is accurate and there are no falsified statements. Everything said by the employee in this record is what was said at the time of note.
–ATTENTION: Case R3, 0223 became corrupted. No backup review was written, as information can still be understood and interpreted from the data recovered in this file.
Environment: This review was recorded inside the Suicide Room. This is territory every pressuriser is familiar with, and this is no exception with Pressuriser 0223. She was instructed to sit at the table, but in the seat usually reserved for subjects. All cameras and lighting in the room focus on the seat, and microphones are stationed regularly within the walls to pick up on all sounds. From here, her answers to questions concerning her review were seen and recorded. Every question and statement she needed to see were transported to her electronically via a small tablet device placed on the table. There was nothing else in the room with Pressuriser 0223 apart from all objects mentioned. Pressuriser 0223 is also able to request ejection from the review, should she not wish it to carry on. This is a last-resort request, however, and is often taken well within the process of reviews of Suicide Room pressurisers. This is standard procedure for all employees and is, of course, for Pressuriser 0223.
Pressuriser 0223 seemed calm upon entering the Suicide Room and seating herself at the table opposite the tablet. She sat formally, placing her hands on the table, the tips of her fingers touching. Very subtly, she began to take in her surroundings. Only her eyes moved, this indicated only the twitching of her eyelids.
She had been instructed to state when she is ready for her review to begin. After she has examined her immediate surroundings visually, she straightens the cuffs of her shirt, before returning her hands to their original position. She takes a few more seconds, simply sitting still, possibly composing herself. Whatever her preparation methods, they are hidden to any camera or microphone in the room.
She raises her head slightly, and looks at the tablet, “Begin,” she says, “I’m ready.”
Your time working with the Suicide Room has been described directly, by yourself, Pressuriser 0223, as “horrific exhilaration”. Would you please elaborate on this, including specifics and referring to any case which seems appropriate?
“Horrific exhilaration”, as a phrase itself, is probably meaningless. Anything can be described as such, provided it fits the personal response. What I mean by “horrific exhilaration” is that not the exhilaration itself is horrific. I mean that the horror I experience, the horror that I see first-hand, is exhilarating. You can see pain every day, perhaps even violent death. Death is not the horrific part. It’s the fragility, the fragmentation of the human… soul… for want of a better word. I might be able to clarify by referring to a case here.
I remember Case 0008 well, probably because it was my first one. It’s been explained to me that Case 0008 was particularly… messy. Perhaps that’s why it’s so clear to me. It was a man in his late 40s, I remember that much from the dossier, and he’d recently been involved in an incident that lost him his elderly parents and his job at the same time. He came into the process already broken in spirit, which I suppose is why I, the rookie that I was, was handed this case.
By the time he wanted to accept his final decision, and therefore his suicide, looking in his eyes was like staring through a man hanging right between life and death. Like staring a dying man in the face at the exact moment his body failed. Seeing the fullness of a story, of experience behind his eyes in its moment of fading. I could see how nothing mattered to Subject 0008 anymore, and how, because of his decision, nothing would matter to him in the very near future.
This in itself is the “horrific” which I mean. Not the blood, not the gore, not the fact he killed himself. Just the complete collapse of his mental world which meant his physical had to collapse too. And I realised, right when I saw his eyes like that, that I was experiencing something on the opposite end of the spectrum. A joy, not even fleeting. It was a long and slow experience, always hovering there behind my immediate thoughts. The “exhilaration”, as it were. No adrenaline, no fear within me, just endorphins waiting patiently to rush through me.
Perhaps another reason I remember Case 0008 is that the subject bled a lot more than I had ever expected a real human to. He had decided to use a knife, though he had no idea how to cut himself so he would bleed out. Yet, I could say nothing to him. I couldn’t tell him he had to pull it up the inside of his arm, not push the blade across his wrist. We are not meant to instruct or push the subjects to suicide, only supposed to direct them towards it. We never directly say “kill yourself” or the like…
Since Case 0008, I’ve realised that “horrific exhilaration” is indeed the expression that describes every experience I’ve personally had in the Suicide Room. Sitting opposite a person who would, most likely, not live to see another tree, another lamppost, another light other than these floodlights… that’s exhilaration. That’s superiority.
Your past is, of course, of no interest to any event that is instructed of you. Though, as with every review, it is expected that employees, especially pressurisers, are not of the suicidal mindset themselves. It is also important that pressurisers have never been driven to seriously contemplate or carry out attempts of suicide. Confirmation of this is required now, as well as any doubts about the future of the Suicide Room processes or your personal future.
In previous reviews, you, Pressuriser 0223, have given these answers to this question:
– I have never seriously contemplated suicide or attempted it.
– Given how I work, and what I work doing, suicide has always been a constant in my life. Although, usually, with exposure, things become less intense, the stigma and constant reminder of suicide has not dulled my reaction to it personally. Seeing other people doing it raises thoughts of my own about it. However, I have never seriously considered suicide nor have I attempted it. Those thoughts have simply been small maybes that I have easily brushed off.
Are these answers still standing, or has your mindset on suicide altered since the last review?
I have never seriously considered suicide or attempted it. However, my view has changed. I said that, even with exposure to suicide, it has not become less intense. I still believe this. But I don’t think of suicide in the same way anymore. Where I used to take the cases in which the subjects committed suicide to heart, now I rationalise them. My amygdala is no longer involved in the processing of what I see, hear or feel while in the Suicide Room. I have realised that no case in which the subject has committed suicide directly matters to me.
Every subject is simply a number and a statistic. This is how I rationalise it. They are steps we take towards aiding the future of the human race, and I am glad I do this. On one hand, then, watching and being involved in suicides becomes an inevitable strain of the job. Or, rather, a “horrific exhilaration” of the job.
But, on the other hand, I see suicide as less of a threat. Knowing how broken one has to be in order to do it is… oddly comforting. Before I became affiliated with the Suicide Room, I was concerned over the tiniest issue I, or anyone I cared about, ever had. I was paranoid it would lead to suicide eventually. However, seeing the eyes of the subjects who have done it, and being able to record, read and remember them again… I realise that I, and those who I care about, are not broken in the slightest. Of course, no one I care about knows what my occupation is. So I would never be able to divulge to them my reasons for thinking that they are stronger than they even think they are.
It seems that personal involvement with the cases and subjects is nonexistent to you at this point in time. This is true?
Now, I hardly ever react personally to cases or subjects. I didn’t think I ever did when I started working on cases, but now I realise that I thought about every case a lot in the few days after it had ended. Now, I only live the cases at the time, and while the reports are being written and proofread. Of course, I know of them in my mind all the time. But to me, they are or little relevance – as much as remembering birthday cards. Nothing special, and they will continue in the future, but continue to be nothing special to me.
As an experienced pressuriser, you handle cases that are both suspected easy and hard. Have you any requests of cases you would not like to receive in future, or comments on how cases have been handled over your time in the process? Are there cases you want reopened for editing, improving or hiding?
I do not request any type of case to be blocked from me. I have no requests for editing any case that I have or have not worked on. I also believe that no information of any case should be hidden. Revealing to the public is not what I mean by this.
I refer to Case 0013 in particular.
You, Pressuriser 0223, worked on Case 0013 and you requested no editing of cases not five sentences ago.
Case 0013, or, I suppose now, Case B13 is [part of review lost due to corruption]
Case B13 is a sensitive case and, by request by you, is not open for editing.
The corruption of [part of review lost due to corruption]
Case 0013’s corruption was attributed to circumstances unknown. Its backup, Case B13, is sensitive. It has been revealed to the public for transparency purposes.
Case B13 isn’t [part of review lost due to corruption]
The full case, Case 0013, is lost to corruption and is therefore hidden because no scientific merit can be recovered. The circumstances were not investigated because corruption is an anomaly and it has only happened one time. There are many more cases that can be accessed that of much more use than Case 0013 was before corruption occurred. Its backup record that you, Pressuriser 0223, helped write is simply for organisational purposes.
It wasn’t [part of review lost due to corruption]
If scientific merit is lost, it is not unusual for a case to be hidden, as it is of no use. There is no point in making a corrupted case public within the process of the Suicide Room or public to the world at this stage.
Rule 5.2-B states that [part of review lost due to corruption]
No more discussion on Case 0013 will be tolerated and the review will be terminated if it is mentioned again. Please be aware of your words from this moment on.
If that is the case, I politely request that this review be over. I have answered several questions in detail, and, at this point I do not believe there is anything I can say that I have not already said.
Should you wish to carry on with requesting ejection from the review, it will be treated as an attempt to hide personal information and as refusal to aid the pursuit of knowledge that helps towards the main goal of the process. Do you still wish to request ejection?
I still wish to request ejection, and I am not the one hiding anything.
Pressuriser 0223 left soon after this, and she was noticeably irritated. Her request to be ejected was recorded. After the review, she left the grounds, despite researchers’ efforts to persuade her to continue working on writing up a case. Pressuriser 0223 has since been marked as Recalcitrant.
IV: Suicide Room